During a wine tasting we attended in Paris’ 11th arrondissement my partner and I met lots of lovely expats. Over the course of our conversation I learned that my neighbor had just gotten engaged to her French girlfriend. So, naturally I brought up my family: my queer, non-heteronormative, two-mom family. She asked the questions that everyone asks:
1) How were you born? 2) What was it like not having a dad growing up?
“How were you born?”
Folks quite literally want to know how I was born, and I mean the birds and the bees of it. This is an extremely personal question to ask a person you’ve just met, but everyone I have ever met asks it within a minute or so after learning I have two moms. People are just so curious they can’t help themselves. I always answer honestly and truthfully.
“What was it like not having a dad growing up?”
I can’t speak with authority as to what it’s like not having a dad because I’ve never had one to compare my two-mom experience to. Folks who ask me this question often grew up with a dad they liked, and the thought of not having their dad in their life makes them sad.
My entire life I have always had two, stupendous, loving parents who both happen to be women. In my experience, the sexuality or gender of a parent doesn’t determine the quality their parenting. Mom-dad families aren’t better than queer families simply by nature of their heteronormativity. (In fact, studies show that children of same-sex parents tend to perform better in school.)
From my conversations with friends and from consuming pop culture, good dads seem to be good parents who just happen to be men.
Good dads are not good parents because they are genetically male. They are good parents because they spend time with their child. They make their child feel loved and safe. They prioritize their child over their own ambition and ego. All of these qualities are the gender non-specific qualities of a good human being.
This is the universality of the human experience. No matter where I travel in the world, everyone asks me these same questions. Americans think of Europe as more progressive on issues like sex, sexuality, and LGBTQ+ rights, but France didn’t allow single women or queer couples to pursue IVF or artificial insemination until 2019. 2019, people! (More on that here and here.) For decades, French women had to pursue expensive fertility treatments in Belgium, the UK, and the Netherlands. As a result, families like mine are less common in France than in the United States.
Having two moms has been a lifelong journey in learning to advocate for and stand up for my family. When I travel abroad I take my identity, my history, and my family with me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve been lifelong, vocal ally of the rights of the LGBTQ+ community, and I have no intention of ever stopping.
Bisous!
The Paris Project
I’m Sarah, a travel and wellness writer based in the US. Join me on my 30-day journey in Paris as I post something new each day. You can follow along here on my blog or subscribe to my newsletter. I’ll send a weekly missive to all my newsletter subscribers while I’m here of all of my favorite Paris discoveries and adventures.